February 14, 2015

 

*NOTE: Spoilers only if you haven’t read the books*

 

Remember when you read 50 Shades of Grey, after saying you’d never pick one up, and you devoured it, eagerly awaiting the dirty sex scenes? Well, that’s how you’ll walk into the film of the same name and leave the theater. For those who haven’t read the books, you’ll leave the same way, wondering, ‘That’s it? What was all that fuss about?’ But to quote Taylor Swift, haters gonna hate right? And, well, I’m a hater.

 

The plot is pretty simple. A good-looking, ridiculously wealthy man seduces a recent college graduate and brings her into his world of bondage, spanking and kinky sex. Or rather a man gets a huge crush on a young girl and does everything in his power to keep and control her.

 

Anastasia ‘Ana’ Steele (Dakota Johnson) is sent to interview Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) at his business headquarters in Seattle in place of her roommate for their school magazine. Ana is shy, quiet, mousy and awkward. Christian is sexy, strong and takes whatever he wants when he wants it. He’s also a controlling asshole, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s all about the hot, kinky sex, right? There’s a spark during that interview as she bumbles through it, asking him the list of questions her roommate sent her with. With only 10 minutes, they barely get through them. But, that’s all it takes for Christian to become obsessed with her.

 

Ana puts him out of her head and gets back to her life, which includes graduating college, working at the hardware shop and getting ready for her move to Seattle with her roommate, Kate (Eloise Mumford). One day at the shop, Christian walks in looking for lots of binding objects (tape, cable ties and rope). Of course, he has business in town. But does he really? An awkward coffee date later and Christian declares he’s no good for Ana and leaves her all hot, bothered and confused.

 

Again putting him out of her head, Ana goes out drinking with her friends. She drunkenly calls him and calls him out on his behavior. Christian, worried and pissed off, comes to her ‘rescue’ and whisks her away from the bar. She wakes up in his hotel room, wondering what the hell is up with him. They set up a proper date and make out in the elevator a little bit.

 

That proper date includes Christian flying Ana in his helicopter back to Seattle to his huge penthouse, showing her his ‘play room’ and explaining his fetishes. He also discusses contracts and all that non-sense. But when asked what she likes sexually, Ana shyly responds that she doesn’t know because she’s a virgin. Christian quickly remedies that, and we finally get our first sex scene!!!!  But, oh no, Christian starts breaking his own rules, having plain vanilla sex, sleeping next to woman and maybe, just maybe has feelings for this woman who he deflowered. He brings her back to her apartment with the sex contract, hoping she’ll agree to his terms and become his, at least Friday through Sunday. I mean, come on ladies? Who wouldn’t want that, right? Such a romantic that Christian Grey is.

 

Ana takes her sweet time reading over the contract and stringing Christian along. She moves to Seattle and graduates. After graduation, Christian gives her a wonderful new car as a present and her first glimpse into spanking, when she rolls her eyes at him. And, shocker, she kind of likes it. But, she’s still not sure about that contract. She does finally agree to have a business meeting with him to negotiate the terms, nixing out things such as anal fisting, vaginal fisting and suspension, among other things. And oh no, Christian grows soft and agrees to throw in a once-a-week date night!!! Again, such a charmer Mr. Grey is.

 

It’s at this point, Christian is calling Ana his girlfriend, but you know that’s not really how he feels. She’s just a sex object to him, and she’s determined to change that. She, like a lot of other woman, wants a real relationship, not some contract-driven sex slave job. But, she’s still intrigued, so she heads to his place for some fun in the ‘red room of pain’ as she calls it. He bounds, whips, licks and everything else to her. And she loves it. And she also loves when he brings her to his parents’ house for dinner. She thinking, finally! That is, until he gets pissed that she’s going to visit her mother in Georgia for a few days. And then, he goes and has dinner with the older woman who turned him onto the world of dominating while she’s gone. Knowing she’s upset across the country, Christian goes to see her. Success! Her pouting and ignoring him worked again! Who has the upper hand now? Score for Ana.

 

But poor Ana wants more! Open up Christian! Let me touch you! Waahhh. He won’t let her in, he is ’50 shades of f*cked up’ after all. And after a very hard spanking, Ana tells him she’s done. And that’s it.

 

Anyone who read the books knows there’s so much more, so don’t fret 50 Shades virgins! You will have to wait another year to find out if Ana can tame Christian and get what she wants, though.

 

I didn’t have high hopes for the film, because I thought the books were written poorly with a silly, sloppy storyline. So, in that sense, I wasn’t disappointed. There was not as much sex as in the books, which I also figured. But there was less of it. And it was a lot of naked Johnson, and very little of Dornan. In fact, I would have liked at least a little glimpse of him below the belt, as the little trough of pubic hair was disappointing. Also, Johnson is way too thin. The real Christian would have wanted his Ana to eat healthier with a little meat on her bones.

 

The film makes the book out to be this romantic comedy almost, when it’s really just some Twilight fan fiction about a controlling sadistic man lurking on a poor young girl. I think the funniest part was when the women in the theater starting hooting and hollering at Christian’s mention of ‘being in control’ and how he doesn’t make love, he ‘f*cks.’ You know all those ladies when home and got some. I just hope they had more sex that was portrayed in the film. Let’s be real, ladies (and gentlemen), if you’re looking for a sex film, stay home, and watch some porn. If you want to laugh and roll your eyes at this ridiculous storyline and bad acting, then enjoy!